Radical Honesty

What would happen if we were radically honest with everyone we interact with?

Imagine this: You’re at a party. You’re not enjoying yourself—you’re a lifelong introvert and you only came because your friend insisted. The music is not your style. The atmosphere feels insincere. Most people seem phony. You’re bored. Then, a stranger strikes up a conversation, saying, 'Isn't this party fantastic? The music is incredible!' The conventional response would be a polite agreement, or even a courteous disagreement. Instead, you candidly express your actual feelings. You admit you’re having a terrible time. Reggaeton isn’t your cup of tea, much less small talk. But you’re game for a more profound interaction if they’re into it.

Or say you’re at a job interview and the recruiter asks you why you applied. You could go with the standard answer, emphasizing alignment with the company's values and your skills meeting their requirements. And, since they asked, you also confess that as a recent graduate struggling to secure a first job, you’re seeking something you don’t dread and that provides enough income, at the very least, to cover rent. Plus, they were one of the few positions that didn’t ask for a cover letter.

Or let’s imagine you’re radically honest with your partner. After being quiet for weeks, you finally tell them that their toothpaste-squeezing technique drives you mad. Why don’t they just press the tube from the bottom and close the cap when they’re done? And now that you’re being honest, you admit you aren’t really into the monogamy thing. In fact, you've even found yourself in a state of ecstatic aliveness after flirting with one of your exes on Instagram.

While a radically honest reality may be distant for some, for others it's a part of their everyday existence. Our guest this month is the filmmaker Caveh Zahedi—a radical honesty advocate. If you're not already familiar with Caveh, he’s the mind behind The Show About the Show - a meta-TV series in which each episode is about the making of the previous one.

What fascinated me about The Show About the Show went beyond its innovative format. It raises profound questions about the boundaries of radical honesty and free speech. In each episode, Caveh guides us through the behind-the-scenes process of crafting the prior episode, openly sharing in blunt monologues everything from his artistic intentions to his intimate fantasies, often involving cast members or fans of the show, and even the resulting conflicts within his family dynamic. This prompts us to ponder: When does our commitment to honesty intrude on others' privacy? And when might our pursuit of freedom potentially hinder the freedoms of those we love?

While The Show About the Show may stand as one of Caveh's most renowned works, his autobiographical and unabashedly honest style has been a consistent thread throughout his career. In 2001, he released In the Bathtub of the World, a personal favorite of mine, where he recorded a year-long video diary. In 2005, he put out I Am a Sex Addict, a documentary that lays bare his battle with sex addiction, shedding light on its toll on his mental well-being and personal relationships. And the list goes on with more recent projects like his latest podcast, Recording Myself And Everyone Around Me All Day for 365 Days Was Destroying All My Relationships So Now I'm Doing a Daily Audio Journal Instead.

A photo from Caveh’s movie ‘I Am a Sex Addict.’

I invited Caveh because in a world often characterized by a claustrophobic obsession with political correctness, his ideology urges us to confront important questions concerning morality and ethics.

One of his central pet peeves seems to be the convention that we must avoid hurting people. In our interview, he shared:

‘Oh, you shouldn’t really hurt people’ - to me that’s an absurd statement for all kinds of reasons. There’s a kind of assumption that is shared, and really what it usually means is: try not to hurt people overtly and right away; maybe let the hurt happen later and let it happen subterraneanly; don’t upset anyone is really what is come to.

Aligned with the author of Radical Honesty, Caveh thinks that moralism—the code of conduct dictating what's deemed socially acceptable—can often impede personal and collective spiritual growth.

What does this mean in practice? To return to the examples shared earlier, being honest with your partner about their suboptimal toothpaste technique would allow them to be aware of it in the first place, and, hence, have an opportunity to correct it. Similarly, while your revelations regarding your interest in alternative relational styles might initially cause discomfort, hopefully, they can pave the way for a constructive dialogue where both of you explore the underlying causes of that discomfort and find ways to navigate it together. Ultimately, strengthening your connection. In Caveh’s words,

Honesty is my version of morality. I think we don’t know what anything is for or what it will lead to, but we do know what’s true for us. And if we know what’s true for us, the right thing will happen because it will be from truth. Whereas now… most of us don’t say what’s true for us. Instead, we think about what we think should happen or what should be or the result we want… We don’t do what’s true. And people end up together who shouldn’t be together. All kinds of neuroses happened that don’t need to…. And I think if everyone was just more honest, everyone would be a lot happier. People would learn more and grow. Most of the etiquette and kindness are just preventing us from growing. It’s all just to slow down spiritual growth really. And I think honesty speeds it up.

While I personally feel the need to balance radical honesty with radical empathy (i.e. considering my choice of words and tone when telling my truth), since there’s already too much un-kindness in the world, I think there’s something refreshing and worth considering in the radical honesty ideology.

The invitation for this month is to live the following questions: What if I’m radically honest with everyone I interact with? What are the boundaries that I personally feel comfortable with when it comes to radical honesty? Is radical honesty a moral compass that resonates with me?

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Listen

Here’s my conversation with Caveh Zahedi. Besides discussing his ethical ideology, we delved into his choice to pursue art studies over political activism, even though he views his films as inherently political. We also explored his insights on how individuals might grapple with the decision to adopt art as a way of life.

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Warmly,
Carlota

P.S. I’m currently piloting a monthly online hangout: a laidback, unrecorded gathering where we can freely exchange ideas and experiences tied to the themes explored in the podcast and newsletter.

The upcoming session will revolve around RADICAL HONESTY and is scheduled for next Tuesday, October 26th, 2023 from 6 to 7 pm Madrid time. If you want to join, simply reply to this email. There’re only 3 spots left!